Friday, December 04, 2009

Music of my mind

This may make you think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. Ok, here's the story: When I fall asleep, I hear noises, and often they sound like music. So, last night, as I was going to sleep, I had a prolonged period of in-between, when I could hear a lot of noises. It sounded like a symphony, but none I had ever heard before. I woke up and thought, maybe I can get this on paper! Unfortunately, as I tried to remember those melodies and wonderful bass lines, I couldn't remember one thing. All that was left was a knowledge that 1. I had never heard it before (at least, nowhere but my mind) and 2. it was a wonderful mix of classical, modern, and post-modern styles.

As I slipped back into that in between state, the music started again. It was beautiful, and this morning I can remember nothing.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

"Bonsai Your Pet" and other stories

The other day I realized I'm becoming more and more grownup. One of the signs I discovered is affinity for asparagus. I used to refuse to even eat asparagus, and when I did force it down, it was painful. Suddenly, several months ago, I ordered a meal where asparagus was one of the main ingredients. I loved it. I now crave it. It's a sign. However, I still feel like the idea that I'm a grownup is a laughable one. I feel a kinship to the character in this comic (another sign that I am not grownup is the fact that I still read comics).

In other news, this morning I realized that Walter is a pretty nice size for a dog. Not small enough to be too annoying, but small enough that I can still carry him. I mentioned this to my mom and she suggested that I figure out a way to bonsai him. As I considered the methods used to bonsai a tree, I realized that if these were applied to an animal, it might be considered cruelty. Restricting food, water, and living space to keep an animal small all seem somewhat legally actionable, except in the case of goldfish.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

pets = stress

This week Walter was very sick. I got worried. Thursday night I was worried I would have no puppy the next morning. Here's the whole story. Tuesday morning (2 am-ish) I woke up to Walter whining. Turns out he had vomited in his crate!. It was gross, but I was able to clean it up pretty easily. He continued to throw up throughout the morning and got weaker and weaker as the day wore on. By 9am, he would just lie there forlornly, and no amount of coaxing would help him. I ended up taking him to the vet and they decided they needed to do a very expensive x-ray. That, coupled with blood tests, and the actual visit, meant that I had to shell out a lot of money. I was not pleased, but I figured that if the puppy got better, it would be worth it.

They gave me some antibiotics for him and sent me on my way. I was slightly annoyed, because it seemed like he was already getting better. He kept vomiting (or wommitin...), but seemed to be getting better. The next morning he was excited for his food! That was the last time he ate for two days. Thursday I was a bit freaked and had a pit in my stomach all day. The puppy seemed to have some energy, but he wouldn't eat, and he still threw up a couple of times. Friday morning I finally took him to the vet clinic I had wanted to go to in the first place. They checked him out, gave him some saline and vitamin shots and some special food and sent us on our way (they also didn't charge me much, a little less than 1/4 what the other place charged). By Friday afternoon he was pretty perky. By yesterday evening he was so puppyish he was hard to control. I realize there are perks to a subdued puppy, but I am very happy for energetic Walter to be back!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Compared to practically everywhere else, Utah totally rocks!

As I was driving to California, I thought of three reasons why Utah totally rocks.

Reason number 1: grass. There's nothing like nice, green Kentucky Bluegrass. Walking barefoot in the evening produces the most pleasant sensations.

Reason number 2: crisp bean burritos. There is no Mexican fast food that compares to the fried goodness of the crisp bean burrito from Taco Time. They're so good that my dad craved them each time he had a chemo treatment.

Reason number 3: high speed limits. Huzzah for 80 mph test sections! Forget 65, 70, and 75, it's all about the 80! I love it.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Going to the dark side

Not long ago a friend gave me a mix CD. It was a disc of country songs. Other friends seemed surprised that I had only heard two of the songs before (and those because they were on the only country disc in the whole house when I was growing up). This is not actually surprising, as in the past country music has held little interest for me.

I have listened to the mix a couple of times now, and I find myself liking a few of the songs, and most of them are by the same person. I feel like it's a slippery slope down to actual purchase of a country album. I might be almost there!

Solution: Celebrate? De-Tox?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Defensive

On Monday I had my thesis defense. This is the reason it's been a while since I posted. I was very, very nervous. But thanks to lots of help from my brother Rob and Matt from the lab, my presentation was ready (sorta). After the presentation nobody asked me hard questions. I was shocked. All of the questions were so easy for me to answer or say the scope of the project didn't cover that.

The final exam (the part where everyone else left the room) was a bit more difficult, and I found myself speaking loudly and quickly and maybe babbling a little as I tried to answer the questions my committee threw at me. I think I did ok-ish. They then sent me out of the room and told me to stick around until they came to get me. They made me sweat a little (honestly, how hard is it to say yes or no?) and then brought me back in and said I had passed. During the final exam part, they gave me some things to change, then later they handed back copies of my thesis they had marked up. This has to be fixed before I can leave.

So that's it. I passed, and as soon as I can get things squared away, I'll have that delightful feeling that school's out.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Announcement in church:

Sunday at the beginning of sacrament meeting, the counsellor conducting the meeting announced that the Stake Pres had something to say. President stood up and said that they had thought long and hard about allowing the singles' branch to join the rotation with the other wards in our building, so that our meeting time would not always be at 2:30 PM.

He talked about how he knew it was important to us, and ended by saying that they were not going to change a thing. It was one of the most disappointing moments of my life. Why did he have to tell us? If he hadn't we never would have known how close we came to getting our desires.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Brithday

So...yesterday I turned 25. My particular friend and I were speaking about the difference between being 24 and being 25, and we agreed that 25 is great, even though 24 is an even number and has more divisors, because 25 is square. Neither of us is looking forward to 26 because 13 is a lame number. This is not a joke.

Yesterday was a pretty good birthday. I saw a friend I haven't seen all summer and got to pet her dog ("...the world's greatest dog!"). She gave me 4 books! Books are among the best gifts in the world, so I was pretty excited. Way more people wished me happy birthday than I expected, both at church and online, making me feel very loved. Rob and Cynth made the day perfect with a great dinner of pulgogi with pumpkin pie for dessert. Then they gave me tons of presents! It was amazing.

I think 25 could be an awesome year. Lots of changes are happening. Looking back I may (perhaps) consider 25 the year I grew up. I am graduating, going to get a full-time job, buy a car, and maybe even a house. These are all things I've never done before (if "graduating" = master's degree), and I am both nervous and excited. Recently I have been thinking that it is time for me to punch some holes in the ol' comfort zone. So, I'm thinking of things I can do to use my powers for awesome. If anyone wants to backpack through Europe with me in the next few months, let me know. If I'm going to do it, I'd best fit it in before I get a job. To all my Utah friends: get prepared for some hiking and camping in the near future. I want to be outdoors! Mom, be prepared to compost! I am going to use my master skills to transform the garden and our waste habits. Future dog, be prepared to run.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

A long-awaited visit to the helium capital of the world

Almost two weeks ago, my friend and I went on a day trip to Amarillo. We had been planning it for a while because we wanted to go look around, and because I wanted to see Cadillac Ranch. We planned to go several times, but finally set the day for July 25, a day which is auspicious for so many reasons, not the least being that it was a Saturday. As we were searching the web for things to do or see, I came across a reference to a work of art by Robert Smithson, creator of Spiral Jetty. This was another work of earth art called Amarillo Ramp. I discovered that it was on private property and so I went about trying to contact somebody who might be able to give us permission to see it.

I finally found an email address, to which I sent an email asking for information on visiting the ramp. I got back a reply full of questions about my age, education, etc. I answered it to the best of my ability and was surprised to get another asking for my phone number. Finally, I realized that the person who was emailing me was not a secretary or an employee of the owner of the land, but the owner himself. I gave him my number and had a call from him shortly. I was taken aback by his insistence that I had done everything all wrong. He was gracious enough, however, to have one of his employees drive us out to look at the ramp.

Interlude: Amarillo is a very unique city for West Texas because of the man with whom I had just spoken. Artworks both sublime and ridiculous abound throughout the city, many of them directly due to his patronage. He hires what seems to be an innumerable and shifting group of young would-be artists and uses them as errand boys while providing them with studio space.

Returning to our story, I was able to talk with the artist assigned to show us around and set up a time to meet. He was introduced as LBK. I learned that LBK stands for "Long Board Kid" because he used to ride around the city on a longboard. Now he rides around in a big white truck with stripes painted on. After he whipped crazily around the parking lot several times, he stopped, introduced himself and his friends, and ushered us into the back seat of the truck. Everything was grimy and covered in trash. A BB gun was also in attendance. Only one seat belt buckle worked, so we had to improvise. As we started driving, we were blasted with music so foul and profane that I actually started physically shaking. I quickly asked them to turn it down so I could "ask them about Amarillo." It only worked if I kept them talking. Otherwise, up went the volume.

One of the first things we saw was one of Stanley Marsh's (the rich old guy I talked to on the phone) famous joke roadsigns. Then we were taken to the millionaire's home, Toad Hall, were me met his very kind and gracious wife, Wendy. 3 other visitors were also there, and we all had to introduce ourselves and sit down to refreshments and light conversation. I found Wendy to be one of the most surprising and delightful parts of our trip. She instructed our guides on the best sights to show us and sent them on their way. We first saw some large, stuffed vinyl letters, chained to a fence. ART. Then we were whisked into our striped trucks for a drive through the Toad Hall grounds to see Actual Size. Two pictures of the same spot so all can glimpse our guide, LBK.

I realize now that I've spent a lot of text on the trip and haven't even moved on to the ramp. I guess I'll save that for another day. After we saw Actual Size we went to the "sign farm" where old joke signs are placed when they've been replaced or the landowners don't want them. I liked the signs but took no pictures. Then we headed to the ramp, so tune in next time!

In closing, I'd just like to say that I really, really enjoy the episode of Scientific American Frontiers on the Fremont indians.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Hypochondria - a state of being

I seem to be sick a lot, just ask those who see me on a frequent basis. I spend time in bed, wondering if I'm making it all up. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm not really ill. In the past few months I have lost 10 pounds. I am happy about this, as my clothes fit a bit better, but it is also a trifle worrying. Apparently some friends consider me "sickly," while I consider myself strong, just frequently ill. What is the cause of my frequent illness?

Sometimes I try to figure out why I'm always ill on webmd. As you may guess, this does little to quell hypochondriacal thoughts. So far, I have become convinced that I have diabetes, an ulcer, IBS, appendicitis (funny, I've had my appendix out), a urinary tract infection, hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism, seasonal allergies, some sort of viral syndrome (mono?), poor stress management techniques, a benign lipoma, and multiple cancers.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Pause

Sometimes the actions of others give me pause. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not. For example, whenever I try my hand a mild humor when speaking to my advisor, he is impassive. I wonder, why doesn't he smile? Am I way less funny than I think I am (probably)?

Different story: as a graduate student, I get a stipend from the university every month. I have to admit, I've grown attached to it, so I was disappointed when I didn't get it at the beginning of the month. I tried to take it in my stride and figure out what was wrong. Finally I was informed that I would be paid today, the last day of July. I must say I was a bit impatient for the day to come, so I could once again spend money with abandon.

In the middle of the month, while I was still trying to figure these things out, an employee at my lab, whose office is next to mine, asked me if I was having troubles with that. Apparently her husband was having troubles getting his stipend, too. She contacted the accounts processor at our department and found out when we would get paid.

This morning as I turned on my computer she came to my office to see if I had gotten paid. After I checked and found that I hadn't, she said she would contact the lady for me. This is what gives me pause. Why would she be so eager to help me? A pleasant feeling is pervading, even as I contemplate my continued lack of money, because someone I barely know seems to care enough about me to involve herself in my affairs and try to help.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Unsettling

This morning I woke up around 3 from what may be considered a nightmare. In the dream, I had, for some reason, agreed to marry a very good friend. I loved him, just not romantically. In the dream, I guess I decided that I needed to stop waiting for Mr. Right, and settle for Mr. Right Now. It's all a bit hazy, but I think that I figured that being married to a good friend I wasn't in love with was better than not being married at all.

Anyway, immediately after the ceremony (which I don't really remember, I just remember thinking, "Well, now I'm married..."), I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suddenly realized that I was trapped. I would need to be a good wife to the guy I had just married, and would never be able to be with someone I truly loved, if I ever found him.

It was pretty weird to wake up from. I lay there thinking, "What am I going to do? I can't get a divorce. Maybe an annulment? What does the First Presidency think of those?" It took me a couple of moments lying there to realize that it had all been just a dream, and I was as yet unfettered by such a choice.

I'm very curious as to what this dream meant, if anything. Any suggestions?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Pressing issues for a changing world

As my three readers know, I write passionately about global concerns. It will not come as a surprise, then, that I wish to address the devastating problem of changing fashions with two examples.


First: I have a favorite shirt. It comes in v-neck or crew neck, short-sleeved or long-sleeved. I have every combination in various colors. If I had enough of them, I would wear this shirt every day. Only one thing stops me from having enough. It's not money. I've got the money to spend. They aren't sold any more. For at least the last six months I have been checking for my favorite shirt (Mossimo black-tag t-shirt) every time I go to Target. No luck. They aren't selling it any more. I've gone into mourning.


Second: my favorite shoes. Several years ago I bought a pair of no-name brand junk shoes. They have since become my favorites (yes, that's a hole in the toe):

I have been searching everywhere for an equally cheap replacement, as these are finally falling apart. Wouldn't you know, Payless has started making shoes that don't look like trash (for the most part). They don't have anything that looks remotely like my favorite shoes, or much that even looks like something I'd wear. The only brand I've been able to find that approaches similarity to my favorite shoes is converse, and aside from the ridiculous prices of their shoes is the fact that they just look so trendy. Where can I find a junky shoe that is comfortable, not totally ugly, and cheap?

Monday, July 13, 2009

My moral dilemma

I have been planning what I will do when I finally finish my master's degree. Some of these things involve celebrating extensively, getting a job, buying a house, getting a dog, being a bum, and buying a car. I think I pretty much know what I'm looking for in each of these things. For example:

House: small, cheap, large trees, fenced yard. Preferably over 50 years old.

Dog: large, low shedding, easy to train, some protective tendencies.

Job: pays money. Is in Utah (preferably Utah Valley).

The exception is "car." I will most likely need a car, and I firmly believe that cars should be fuel efficient. I drive a Geo Metro right now, but that will be staying in Texas. The problem is that my dream car is an older model Jeep Wrangler, one of the most fuel-inefficient cars on the market. I have been rationalizing the desire by thinking about my future job. I am a soil scientist (saying that sounds pretentious, but I think it might be an accurate statement), and my ideal job involves visiting rural areas with questionable roads. So a Jeep would be a good choice, right? My sister has abetted the justification process by pointing out that a Jeep would be extremely useful when visiting places like Spiral Jetty, and my imagination immediately took me to the San Rafael Swell. It would be so useful! I think the justifications fit. Maybe I can have two cars....

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Why I wear a jacket every day

Every day when I walk into my office, I put on my jacket. It is the middle of summer and to stay warm as I sit at my desk I need a jacket. I spend most of my time in a government building, and share an office with a person who has much different indoor climate views than I do.

Here is what I believe: In the summer a person should be able to comfortably go from a building to outdoors wearing the same clothes. In the winter a person should be able to comfortably wear winter clothes inside. Not a parka, but certainly a sweater.

I also believe that the US government spends too much money keeping its buildings warm in the winter and cool in the summer. If we raised thermostats a few degrees in the summer, how much would we save on cooling costs? If we lowered our thermostats in the winter, would the costs be worth it? I think they would. I have a dream that one summer day I will walk into my building and feel a slight change in temperature, instead of a blast of arctic air.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

iPod Shuffle

So...I've been thinking maybe I should design for Apple. I think that they do well with the minimalist shuffle, but I think there's room for improvement.

Right now the shuffle is a very small box with very simplistic controls. What if it was just an earbud? This is a serious question. Wouldn't it be nice not to have the wires connecting the earbuds to the little box getting in the way of things? There could even be two earbuds, and a controller that stays in a pocket or as a ring on your finger or something, all connected by bluetooth. The thing is, the flash memory for the music doesn't actually take up that much space. Look at the old shuffle, it's basically a box barely big enough to have a familiar user interface. I think this idea could turn into something awesome.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Questions

Every once in a while, but especially lately, I have questions that I would ask my dad, were he here. They are questions that I generally won't ask anyone else because they won't know. Here are some recent questions:

Where should I look for lizards in Lubbock? The road runner in the parking lot seems to know, but I don't.

Who is the Angel Raphael?

You once told me your views on evolution. Were they influenced by Henry Eyring's book, The Faith of a Scientist? If so, do you own it?

What kind of tarantulas live in this area and are they dangerous?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Lessons learned

I have learned that when living with roommates, I don't think about the bath tub. I shower without contacts in, and I clean up after myself (I lose a considerable amount of hair in the shower. It's a wonder I'm not bald.). Other than that, I try not to look around or touch anything. I think it has to do with the Tragedy of the Commons, which is an idea I try to work into as many conversations as possible. Since I don't know what my roommates were washing off of themselves, I don't know when the tub was last cleaned, and I don't like to perpetuate the idea that nobody needs to clean because I will always do it, I never bathe in a tub shared with roommates. No matter what. Often, in the last year, when I have been sick (and that is very often), my mom has suggested that I take a nice hot bath. Sounds nice, yes, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

This is all leading up to something: now, living with Rob and Cynth, they have kindly allotted me my own bathroom. The tub is so clean! Even if it's not, I know what is in there. The long and the short of it is, I've bathed 2 times in the last 4 days (slightly higher than my average shower frequency) and am planning on another one when I go home today (significantly higher than my average shower frequency).

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Thesis



Sometimes I feel like this:


Monday, June 01, 2009

Non-dictionary definitions

I often misspell words when instant messaging. If I get questioned as to the meaning of such words, I make something up. The word of the day:

hindisght = Hindi sight

n. Of or having the ability to see any living thing's previous or future incarnations.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Future Is Now

As I was listening to a presentation on wind energy today, I had a revelation: the future of renewable energy is not in windmills or hydroelectric power, or even nuclear. The problem with all of these is that they require some lower form of energy to eventually make electricity. I think that the future of renewable energy is some sort of biophotoelectric power. This is the name I came up with while I was trying not to fall asleep in the presentation.

Just think - genetically modified plants that have roots connected to a biological battery. All living things conduct electricity, they even have electrical charges. We have bred plants to grow bigger fruit, to have shorter stems, why not generate power using photosynthesis? Now all I need is to be a genius who understands electricity and plant physiology and genetics.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Citizenship

It bugs me when I use the restroom here at the Cropping Systems Research Lab and there are soap drips and water droplets all over the counter. It's so easy to clean up after ourselves, why don't we do it? I have found myself wiping off the whole counter and the sinks with my paper towel after I dry my hands. As I have done this, it has occurred to me that this is something old people do. When did I become an old person? I digress.

As many (ie: 3 of the 4 people who read this blog) of you know, I'm a regular reader of the no impact man blog. Today his post talked about how he jaywalked and people followed him and almost got hit by a car for their trusting behavior. He mentioned that whether we expect it to happen or not, people will follow our examples. My point is, if we do the basic actions expected of responsible adults, maybe people will follow our examples. Maybe the sinks will be clean next time I use the restroom.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Constants

The last week has brought a lot of changes in my life. So has the last month. Nothing bad or sad, just different, like I was released from my calling on Sunday. There are a few constants in my life, though, that keep me balanced.

Gospel - it is.

Family - This may not be true for other people, but I seem to talk to each of my siblings just about once a week. My mom and my sister, at least every day. Especially I'm glad for my oldest brother and his family who live in the same city that I do and who feed and care for me as much as I will let them. Sometimes I feel like they are my link to sanity. Also, Cynthia knits me stuff.

Wind - Without it, I wouldn't have a master's project. And it's always windy in Lubbock.

Foot in mouth - I will always say the wrong thing, or the right thing badly. Ask anyone.

Friends - I have a few good friends who seem to constantly build me up and are so fun to be around. One, especially, seems to build me up just when others are tearing me down.

Books - I like them. They are always there.

Dry skin - I've had to accept that my dry skin will never go away. Flaky pieces of skin, white, cracked areas on my hands, gray elbows - all are common occurrences. Moisturizer is another constant in my life.

Gravity - Represented by a small "g" in many equations.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Men are that they might have joy

Today as I was taking a break from my exhausting work on data I read the latest posts on one of my favorite blogs, no impact man. On today's post the author asked an interesting question: are we here to be happy? The idea was to have a lot of people comment on what they thought. A lot of people mentioned that they thought that happiness was good, but that we should be caring for people and the environment. In fact, so many people said almost the exact same thing that I started to get worried. Is ours the only religion that believes that God intends for us to find joy?

Thankfully, we have the Book of Mormon to tell us these things. Maybe those people don't realize that true joy comes from doing what we know in our hearts is the right thing to do?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

April Fools

Sorry for my lame joke.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Lame. I like Cynthia enough to actually do it.

8 Favorite TV Shows

M*A*S*H
Psych
The Office
30 Rock
What Not To Wear
Chuck
Ugly Betty
Nova

8 Things I Did Yesterday

Went to church
Freaked out because the Relief Society teacher wasn't there
Frantically wrote notes about the RS lesson during Sacrament meeting talks
Discovered that the teacher had switched with someone
Ate shake'n'bake chicken
Dominated at nurtz
Left things strewn about the house on purpose
Argued about which cheese is best

8 Things I am Looking Forward To

Graduation!
Seeing my family
Summer
Living somewhere where I don't feel out of place in my 'unique' clothes
A vacation
Culture
Having my own house (one day)
Graduation

8 Favorite Restaurants

Bombay House
Cafe Rio
Bangkok Grill
Jalisco's
Rosa's
Ultimate Broiler Grill
Red Lobster
Freebirds

8 Things on My Wish List

A puppy
A pony
Graduation
An electric car (maybe a Tesla Roadster)
Super powers; I think super speed would be the best
A high-paying, low-stress job
An HP Touchsmart computer
A Kindle 2

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Setting expectations low

When I first moved to Texas, there was a guy in my branch who caught me saying some funny things. For months after, every time he saw me, he would say, "You're so funny! Say something funny." I would sit there trying to think of something to say, while also thinking, "I can't do it on command..." After several months of me saying nothing clever in his presence, he seemed to give up on my sharp wit, for which I was relieved.

I thought nothing more of that episode until a few days ago when I met the new sister missionaries that were transferred into our branch. They wanted to meet with me, since I am the RS pres, so I could tell them about people in the branch who may need their help. They asked me about myself, and everything I said made the greenie sister laugh really hard. I was on a roll! But I couldn't help thinking about that guy... Now every time I see her I will be trying to think of something witty to say, and will end up silent and dull. Oh well. I can always hope I'm wittier than I was then.

Spiritual Enlightenment~

This will be a short one today, because I really only have one thing to say. The other day, as I was driving home from my brother's house, where I spend as much time as possible, I was pretty troubled about some things and thinking hard on solutions. One of my thoughts was something I have been told before: humility is strength. If we have true humility, we know that without God, we are nothing. More importantly, we know that with Him, we can do anything. There is great power in acknowledging His hand in all things. (This may be a bit of a ramble, so sorry if it doesn't make sense)

This may not be doctrinal, but another part of my epiphany was that humility involves understanding Heavenly Father's view of us. Once we know how we are loved, we can share that love with other people. There is no weakness, inadequacy, or fear; only great power in the knowledge that we are worth loving. Once we know this, and give up our own pride in the process, we can stop looking so much towards ourselves and look outward.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Foot in Mouth Disease

Lately it seems that I always say the wrong thing. Take yesterday for example, I started off the morning by saying awkward things to my roommates. Then I asked a friend a personal question in front of a lot of people. Then I went to lunch, where I couldn't even seem to form a complete sentence. Then, I betrayed a confidence, forgot to bring things I had promised people, and once again, couldn't form a complete sentence.

At church, I feel obligated to talk to people; it's my job to help people feel welcome and loved. I'm afraid that I just go around offending them. So...I guess I am saying that I think maybe I should not be allowed to talk to people any more. Maybe that way they won't get offended and leave the church.

That sounds pitiful, and it's not entirely true that I don't think I should talk to people at all, it's just that I need to learn to think before I speak. Thinking in general sometimes seems a bit beyond my grasp. Any suggestions on how to go about this?